Broke my ankle last Monday. A learning experience. Had just added the phrases “may I be healthy, may I be fear- less.” Ironic that the next day I should break my ankle.
But, at the end of the day at Emergency, I realized that the new phrases had partially worked. Throughout, I was cheerful and took each hurdle, including climbing 3 flights of stairs to bed on crutches, in my stride. Remember lying back in my chair, saying, “Life is perfect.” Suspect that was the morphia!
Sunday, though, very low. My leg swollen and hot, very painful to put to ground. Stomach also been bad for days. Just felt overwhelmed by the effort of psyching up to keep going cheerfully. Felt that the spirit is willing but my energy feels like a drained battery. I just don’t know how to do it right. I feel as if I try too hard, but don’t know how else to do it.
Tried keeping the feeling and letting it be in meditation. Realized, in meditation, that I had always been trying to be healthy and cheerful and always, the moment I was down, psych myself up to avoid falling into an abyss. I tried to be present for the abyss and, to my surprise, it was benign. It has always been benign.
As I meditated on the quality of the feeling and let it be without fighting, I realized that at any threat, which included being sick or unhappy, I girded up my loins, battened down the hatches, and cut myself off from universal energy. It was as if I unplugged from the mains and ran on my batteries, which, of course, ran down. And lately with chronic back pain, damaged digestion, let alone a broken ankle, have been unplugged most of the time. Very exhausting!
Then it broke over me that the support, blessing had always been there, as it was at my mother’s death. I had been too frightened to see it.
Then, what about illness etc.? I have always known that is the wrong question. God or the universe does not control what happens by chance, especially as so much comes from our civilisation. He does offer, guidance, support and strength, which has been amply demonstrated in my life – when I have let him.