Breakthrough thoughts on the story of our lives – at least, my muddled attempt at a story. What is true?
No, the story I thought I had to have, born of a child’s attempt to make sense of what was happening – what I thought I had to do to survive – was not true.
So what is true: I started with my normal nightly review and I am happy, every day I am happy although my ankle is in a cast and aches, though I can’t eat much or do much. My mood is happy, so I am blessed.
So, if I don’t have to work hard, appease the world, justify my existence, then what is the truth? Where was God?
Looking with open eyes, I see that we have a deeply happy marriage, lasting almost 50 years. I am alert and intelligent with a great capacity for joy. So what, if I have back pain, celiac disease and a broken ankle? Every day, I am deeply content. The ankle has taught me patience and acceptance. It has also shown me how much I contribute to the home. Am amazed at how much my husband is having to do to replace me. He is on the go non-stop.
The next deeply learned conviction was that one has to suffer to grow, which gave suffering a purpose – and, I suppose, made the suffering bearable. Story again! I know that when my mother died, I grew, and though it was a terrible time, I wouldn’t want to give back what I had learned. When I told my father this, he said gravely, “I think I have matured.”
But there’s another way to see it – not that one needs suffering to grow, but rather that one chooses to use it to grow.
Strangely, I have learned patience and acceptance with my broken ankle (whether it would work for something more serious, I don’t know) but in the strangest way. I have a lot of pain with it, and I can’t do much, but somehow it doesn’t matter. I am content and whole and the pain is somehow peripheral.
Also a feeling of greater connection – that watching other people’s happiness or success in some way enables me to feel it too. Have just been watching a program on quantum mechanics – seems the spooky connection at work. That is, where two particles become entangled, if they separate, what affects one will also affect the other. Perhaps people emotionally linked do the same.