More on living from above. It puts a completely different spin on coping – or, perhaps, “coping” in itself is quite the wrong word. It implies a desperate, bogged down struggle – from below. Seen from above, I can acknowledge my strength, purpose and determination. I can seize the brush and paint the picture, even if I can’t control the content.
I have always wondered is life is like some huge tapestry or musical work in which my individual note is essential, however small the stitch (to mix two metaphors). Even though I or you are almost insignificantly small, there would be a minute hole in the work, something lost that only we can give. As Sarah’s Song says, “It is up to us to make sure it is beautifully played.”
Today went back to the Pain Clinic for a second series of injections – a pincushion effect. This time much more painful. I think he made a wider ring of shots. Certainly, he seemed outside last week’s mercifully numb area, the part that can’t even feel capsaicin cream.
Felt very strange, unreal and weepy afterwards. Odd, as I has no reason to cry and was not aware of any distress, but I would have been afraid to drive and my chest felt tight. I called the clinic to be told this is a known reaction and the doctor probably put it in differently this time. Seems rather haphazard to me.
So now for the next two months will have weekly injections while they observe me. Then, in May, they will do one under x-ray to check they have it the nerves right. If that goes OK then they will ablate the nerves. This should last several months till the nerves grow back together, when they will do it again. Am not sure how often they can do it.
While waiting at the clinic came across an article in Chatelaine. Debs Gardner Paterson (article) describes how after a car crash adage 25 she woke up in hospital completely paralyzed, locked in her body, even her vocal chords paralyzed. But I wasn’t alone in my prison, she writes, “God was there with me.” And I knew what she meant. Though never in straits like hers, I also know when, my spirit in ashes, my body exhausted, God’s grace cradled me.
God’s love fills me
God’s joy (ducklings, clouds) delights me
God’s right action guides me
God’s strength supports me
God’s wisdom enlightens me
God’s mercy comforts/forgives me
God’s peace soothes me
God’s grace surrounds me
And I pluck phrases from it during the day, smiling at a hedgerow of sparrows, relaxing into a merciful cloud.