Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Still waiting for the biopsy results. I asked that they be faxed as the hospital was going to mail them! Still, that doesn’t mean they did it.
Funny, a few weeks ago, we had a run of everything moving forward each day, whether it be doctor’s appointments or builder’s estimates; now we seem to have hit stagnation on everything.
Am finding it stressful, not overtly – I am not consciously worrying about it, but there’s a feeling of waiting for something, being on my toes ready to respond.
Tomorrow I go back to the Pain Clinic for my weekly Marcaine injections into my back. The first one worked really well for five blissful days; the second was spread wider and hurt like hell and making me feel light-headed and weepy. It lasted only two days. The third seemed to be a lesser strength and lasted 24 hours, left me with visible bruises and really ached wearing off.
We had three social engagements over the week. I arranged it for two of them that our friends came here for drinks first, so I could use my zero-gravity chair, but I could only manage sitting just over an hour at dinner. When we went out to Sunday lunch, I managed to sit for an hour at table, but had to lie on the sofa for the afternoon, and it still really hurt.
Now to compound everything, Sandoz who makes all the injectable pain killers and a anasthetics has closed their factory due to quality control problems and there is a critical shortage of drugs. A friend had a knee replacement yesterday and there were no injectable pain meds, so she had to have tablets, which, thank goodness, were enough.
So I am afraid the clinic will regard me as elective and stop the treatment. I would be happy to wait till the drugs are readily available, so someone in greater need can have them, provided I am kept on the list. I am afraid they will just take the easy way out and tell me it isn’t working so they are stopping treatment.
The injections seem to vary in placement and strength and I know they are working to find the right nerves, but even if I am responding to Marcaine less well, that doesn’t mean cauterization wouldn’t work, which is what we are aiming at. I have an early May appointment for the fluoroscope, which I gather is very heavily booked, so don’t want not to be ready for that.
Feeling very stressed at not having control over the doctors’ decisions, as I am a proactive person. Thought there must be a better way of looking at things – a bigger picture, a higher path to take. There are people facing much harder things, people facing death – and they find a way, often of stunning grace.
I cannot shut my eyes to their pain – as John Donne said, “No man is an island.” We are all part of a larger consciousness. There must be a larger canvass, a higher grace. I strain to see it.
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
Pain Clinic. Relieved to find that so far there is enough Marcaine, though I am asked to try and get it from my pharmacy, if they have any in stock, to try and conserve the Clinic’s supplies. The drug for the fluoroscope may run out, though, so just have to keep,my fingers crossed.
Another 10 needles today. I asked the anesthetist if he had given me a lower dose last week as it lasted only one day and he replied, shrugging, “I might have done.”
Doesn’t he know? Hasn’t he got a record? It doesn’t inspire confidence.
Back very battered feeling, but numb. Very cheered by a neighbour running across the courtyard, thanking me for recommending Low Level Laser Treatment (more info) “It has given me my life back. I can golf again!”