Heart Felt

I am living as never before. Courage as never before. God carry my tears.

I am living on a different level and God is there like a rod and a cradle. A calm of the ages is with me. A well of courage – everyman's courage. They walk beside me, those who have shown courage. They are with me. I feel them in my soul.

I am letting life happen, reading it – and it rolls out towards me like a dance

I wrote the words above late one night in a despairing week. Bill has heart failure – in the words of our ebuliant GP “heart failiure, bad heart failure.” Yes, we know, but so far no reassurance, no guidance, just “Take your medicine.”

Bill pulls his shoulders back,”We'll get through it! I won't let it beat me!” I gather there will be a regimen of drugs, but no one has explained. And all the time I think of his poor heart, his big heart, because it is enlarged, hence heart failure. How many times has he hugged me, and I have felt the steady, reassuring beat. Always compassion, always kindness – and I have thought, “You have a big heart, such a big heart.”

How ironically right I am. I don't want to fight it, but to cradle it, to love it. I want gentleness, kindness and humanity. Not sterile walls, harsh lights, and voices of doom.

About UntraveledRoads

Fascinated by life, looking for answers to chronic pain and finding unexpected gifts. Interested in people, ideas, healing and humour. I am very happily married with three children and a kitten. As English born immigrants to Canada, we have family spread overseas, a daughter in South Africa and one in England. We also run a charity in South Africa to educate black, rural South African Women. Our first girl from a rural township has just graduated as an accountant from Johannesburg University and got a good job in a bank.
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