It isn't easy to look the future in the eye. I know my pain is unlikely to get less – at this point, each intervention just flares my back. You name it, I have tried it, a switchback from hope to despair. Each therapist is sure she can help; in turn, each has admitted defeat. Two pain clinics have told me they have hit a wall and all they can offer are more drugs, which carry a dementia risk.
So, here I am, with the rest of my life ahead – and what? Some days when my back throbs all day and my mind is befuddled, my horizons snap back and hit me in the face. So, today, when to be honest, I feel bleak and my dreams nibble at the fringes of my mind, however firmly I try and lock them out, I sit down and look my life in the face.
I want the same as my friends: I want to feel alive, happy, engaged and connected. Unlike them, I can't get there from activities, like taking a class or going shopping with friends. I have to spin my positive states from within me. So how?
Somehow, there is a feeling of strength as I face myself down. “This is all you are going to get,” I tell my recalcitrant ego. “This is IT!”
So if I finally accept and stop trying to beat my back into submission, this is where I will be. I can't change it. All my efforts up to now have been to get better, but now the inevitable stares me in the face. What can I change?
Myself! I have to make myself into a person who is happy just how things are. If I can't change my circumstances, then I can change ME: choices, attitudes, posture, thoughts. With neuolasticity I can even retrain my brain.
This next part of the journey is going to be tough and fascinating. My horizons may have shrunk physically, but suddenly they are opening out again: ahead I can see wealth beyond dreams. I google Amazon for a neuroplasticity workbook.