Aching, worse and worse all summer. Now very stiff and painful on waking. But worst, the constant bruised ache across my pelvis. This on top of my regular burning sacrum. Looked it up on google: not encouraging. All the symptoms of rheumatic pain. It is raining tonight and that's part of it. Checked drugs. Most contraindicated for me.
Brain kept saying: not good and I felt despair at another hill to climb. Rephrased: I would rather not have this, but I will survive.
Then did the only thing that would settle me for sleep: anaesthetic cream, pachelbel and Brahms Lullaby. The clouds parted and I glimpsed I would be joining a special group, age old. Some faint understanding of something opening ahead of me. Something different, soft, accepting. Chronic pain has been up to now surviving, being cheerful, going on – and it is hard effort. Now something new is clearing ahead and it isn't fearful, though it won't be easy. Am grateful for this glimmer through the mists. Somehow a gift and I am at peace. Not pushing myself as in the past, not affirmations, but acceptance of a gift – from something bigger. A soul gift – deep peace.