Spring from the Heart

The one gift of life is choice – or in terms of Genesis – free will. When this thought idled round in my head, my first response was, am I blaming the victim? Am I to blame for my lymphoma or you for your bereavement? Ouch!

Then I sat and thought, because this question is crucial to how I cope with the coming months. Viktor Frankl said that there was one last choice left to him in Auschwitz: how he reacted. So I am sure that how I react will change the quality of my cancer experience. It won't help to see it as punishment or sent by God. Perhaps as a message from my beleaguered body? My choice is to listen, with compassion, without blame.

My kind of lymphoma – very rare – results from my bone marrow making too many particular cells, so my blood will get thick and sludgy, hard for my heart to pump round my body.

I go inside and ask what is this a metaphor for. I see my blood trudging round my body. My heart glumly, gamely, pumping away: “I should do this. I ought to keep going.” A familiar echo: “I must, I should, I ought, I have to.”

“Should” is the opposite of generosity. It tars each gift, belittles every action. I have a choice: to give from a willing heart, to paint the canvas of my remaining life with courage. “I should be brave” is not enough. Life itself deserves a whole-hearted embrace. My blood cells should dance and ripple like a stream over stones. It is my choice.


About UntraveledRoads

Fascinated by life, looking for answers to chronic pain and finding unexpected gifts. Interested in people, ideas, healing and humour. I am very happily married with three children and a kitten. As English born immigrants to Canada, we have family spread overseas, a daughter in South Africa and one in England. We also run a charity in South Africa to educate black, rural South African Women. Our first girl from a rural township has just graduated as an accountant from Johannesburg University and got a good job in a bank.
This entry was posted in choice and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Spring from the Heart

  1. ME says:

    I find replacing “should” with “can” or “will” helps. XX

I really value your comments and particularly where something resonates with your experience.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s